Why Some Children Struggle With Perfectionism

Understanding behaviour, learning, and nervous systems

Perfectionism doesn’t always look like excellence.

Sometimes it looks like:

• refusing to start

• erasing repeatedly

• getting stuck on tiny details

• becoming distressed by small mistakes

• giving up before finishing

Often, it’s mistaken for high standards.

But for many children, perfectionism isn’t about doing things well.
It’s about avoiding the feeling of getting it wrong.

Perfectionism is rarely about confidence

Perfectionistic children are often described as:

• capable

• bright

• conscientious

And many of them are.

But underneath the behaviour is often a nervous system that finds mistakes threatening, not informative.

For these children, learning doesn’t feel like exploration.
It feels like exposure.

What’s happening underneath

When a child is stuck in perfectionism, their nervous system may be:

• highly sensitive to evaluation

• uncomfortable with uncertainty

• strongly motivated to avoid failure

In this state:

• starting feels risky

• finishing feels unsafe

• mistakes feel personal

The brain narrows its focus to one goal:

“Don’t get this wrong.”

Why encouragement alone doesn’t help

Perfectionism often triggers reassurance.

“It’s fine.”
“You’re doing great.”
“Just try.”

While kind, reassurance doesn’t always reach a nervous system in threat mode.

When fear of mistakes is high, encouragement can feel like pressure — another expectation to meet.

What the child needs first is safety, not praise.

The either/or trap again

Perfectionism can push adults into extremes.

Either:

• we push children to lower their standards
  or

• we reinforce perfection by praising flawless work

Neither approach supports learning long term.

Children need:

• permission to be imperfect

• support to tolerate mistakes

• experiences of recovery, not rescue

Calm makes room for learning

When calm is present:

• mistakes feel less dangerous

• thinking becomes more flexible

• effort replaces outcome as the focus

This might look like:

• separating drafts from final work

• normalising errors

• modelling mistakes openly

• slowing the pace of evaluation

These supports don’t lower expectations.
They help children stay engaged long enough to grow.

What perfectionism tells us

Perfectionism often signals:

• fear of failure

• high internal pressure

• a nervous system working hard to stay safe

Seen this way, perfectionism isn’t stubbornness.

It’s protection.

A reframed question

Instead of asking:

Why does this child need everything to be perfect?

We might ask:

What would help this child feel safe enough to try, even if it’s not perfect?

That question shifts learning from performance to growth.

Perfectionism isn’t the opposite of motivation.
It’s often what happens when motivation is overloaded with fear.

And when safety increases, flexibility usually follows.

These articles explore how stress and calm show up in everyday classroom moments.
The foundations that sit beneath them are explored in
The Daily Needs of Calm, Connected & Creative Classrooms — a practical guide for educators and parents who want to better understand how to support children’s learning, behaviour, and wellbeing.