Why Some Children Constantly Seek Reassurance

Understanding behaviour, learning, and nervous systems

“Is this right?”
“Am I doing it properly?”
“Can you check?”
“Is this okay?”

Sometimes the question is asked before the child has even started.

Reassurance-seeking can feel exhausting to manage — especially when the child is clearly capable.

It’s often interpreted as:

• insecurity

• dependence

• attention-seeking

• lack of confidence

But for many children, reassurance-seeking isn’t about needing praise.

It’s about needing safety.

Reassurance-seeking isn’t a confidence issue alone

Yes — confidence is still developing for many children.

They are learning how to:

• trust their own judgement

• tolerate uncertainty

• risk being wrong

• hold ideas without immediate feedback

Those skills take time.

But reassurance-seeking often persists even when children know what to do.

That’s the clue that something else is happening.

What’s happening underneath

When a child’s nervous system is under stress, uncertainty can feel threatening.

In these moments:

• decision-making feels risky

• mistakes feel unsafe

• internal reassurance is unavailable

So the child looks outward.

Reassurance becomes a way to say:

“Please help me feel safe enough to continue.”

This is especially common during:

• open-ended tasks

• writing and creative work

• tasks with no single right answer

• new or evaluative learning

Why “just have a go” often doesn’t help

A common response to reassurance-seeking is to push independence.

“You know how to do this.”
“Just try.”
“Be more confident.”

While well-intentioned, these responses assume the child can access:

• self-trust

• internal regulation

• tolerance for uncertainty

Those capacities live in the thinking brain — and stress can temporarily block access to them.

Pressure doesn’t build confidence.
It often increases doubt.

The either/or trap again

Reassurance-seeking often pulls adults into extremes.

Either:

• we repeatedly reassure, reinforcing dependence
  or

• we withdraw reassurance completely to force independence

Neither approach supports growth on its own.

Children need reassurance — and opportunities to build internal confidence.

How confidence actually develops

Confidence doesn’t come from being told “you’re fine”.

It develops when children:

• experience uncertainty

• receive enough support to stay engaged

• act anyway

• recover from mistakes

• succeed over time

Reassurance should be gradually transferred, not abruptly removed.

Supporting reassurance-seeking without reinforcing it

Support might look like:

• offering neutral, predictable responses

• redirecting questions back to the child

• naming effort rather than correctness

• separating thinking from evaluation

• staying emotionally present without over-checking

These strategies don’t abandon children.
They help them borrow calm until they can generate it themselves.

What reassurance-seeking tells us

Reassurance-seeking often signals:

• uncertainty feels unsafe

• confidence is fragile in that moment

• the nervous system needs support to proceed

Seen this way, it’s not a flaw.

It’s communication.

A reframed question

Instead of asking:

Why does this child need so much reassurance?

We might ask:

What would help this child feel safe enough to trust themselves right now?

That shift changes how independence is built.

Reassurance-seeking isn’t the opposite of confidence.
It’s often the pathway toward it — when supported well.

These articles explore how stress and calm show up in everyday classroom moments.
The foundations that sit beneath them are explored in
The Daily Needs of Calm, Connected & Creative Classrooms — a practical guide for educators and parents who want to better understand how to support children’s learning, behaviour, and wellbeing.