The Reward Dilemma: Why Complicated Behaviour Systems Keep Failing (and What Works Better)
The Reward Dilemma: Why Complicated Behaviour Systems Keep Failing (and What Works Better)
The truth every teacher (and school leader) knows
“I’ve tried points, stickers, ClassDojo and they work for a week and then stop.”
“If I don’t reward, chaos breaks out. If I do, I’m bribing.”
Sound familiar?
Teachers everywhere are wrestling with this “reward dilemma.” It’s frustrating, time-consuming, and emotionally draining and it leaves even the most dedicated educators wondering: Am I helping children grow, or just managing behaviour?
And for leaders, it’s even trickier. Many want to move away from transactional reward systems but aren’t sure how to create cohesion across their school. They face the fallout from inconsistent practices and the pressure of irate parents who believe their child has “missed out.”
The problem isn’t a lack of care. It’s a lack of clarity about how the brain’s reward system actually works.
The missing piece: the brain behind the behaviour
Reward systems aren’t bad. They’re just incomplete. They focus on what we can see, not what’s happening inside the child’s brain.
Children need dopamine — it’s how the brain learns. But they also need to build tolerance for waiting, coping, and persisting when the reward isn’t immediate. That’s where executive functioning grows — in the waiting, not the winning.
Why most reward systems stop working
It’s not the sticker’s fault. It’s what happens when the sticker becomes the goal.
When external rewards dominate, they create a short dopamine loop: compliance without reflection. Children learn to chase the next token, not to recognise the satisfaction of effort itself. When the system disappears, the motivation disappears too. Then the cycle starts again — new chart, new rules, new exhaustion.
I teach systems of calm, not systems of control
In my classroom and consultancy work, I don’t throw stickers away. I re-contextualise them. They become small, visible cues within a much larger system of calm.
A calm system is built on rhythm, not reaction. It weaves micro-moments of focus and regulation throughout the day:
Short bursts of work, followed by a quick “brain break” — sketching, breathing, stretching, sipping water.
Predictable choice time later in the day — short but essential for autonomy and healthy dopamine release.
A reset every morning — because every day is a new chance to practice calm.
The sticker, when used, marks awareness or progress, not perfection. It’s a gentle reinforcement within a consistent, relational rhythm.
Teaching disappointment before it arrives
Children don’t just need rewards; they need the skills to handle not getting one.
That means front-loading disappointment. This means teaching it before tricky moments happen.
We model it:
“Sometimes we don’t get what we want. That feeling in your tummy is disappointment, and it will pass.”
We guide it:
“You can feel sad and still make a helpful choice.”
We normalise it:
“Everyone misses the mark sometimes — even me.”
Avoiding hard feelings doesn’t build resilience. Walking through them calmly does.
For leaders: creating cohesion and calm
If you’re a school leader, you may be ready to move away from extrinsic systems but worry about consistency — or about parents questioning fairness. That’s understandable.
The solution isn’t to abandon structure; it’s to rebuild it on shared language and neuroscience. When everyone — teachers, students, and families — understands how the brain learns from effort, reward, and recovery, consistency follows naturally.
It stops being about who got what and starts being about how we grow together.
Connection over comparison
Children on behaviour plans don’t want everything to be “special” or separate — they want belonging. When classrooms (and whole schools) are built on universal systems of calm, consistency, and collaboration, every child participates in the same rhythm of effort, rest, reflection, and choice.
That’s what true inclusion and safety looks like.
From rewards to real growth
We don’t need to abandon rewards; we just need to rebalance them. Use them as gentle signals within a system that honours rhythm, relationship, and reflection.
When children experience the satisfaction of trying, waiting, and learning through mistakes, their brains begin to link effort with pride. That’s how executive functioning, motivation, and calm actually grow.
Coming Soon:
The Daily Needs of Calm, Connected & Creative Classrooms — a WiseLearn guide for meeting human needs in learning.
Discover how neuroscience, rhythm, and daily habits build calmer, more connected classrooms.
Want early access? Message me directly or email [email protected] to join the early interest list.
#ExecutiveFunctioning #Neuroscience #SEL #CalmClassrooms #WiseLearnEducation #Teaching #Dopamine #BehaviourSupport #Leadership #SchoolCulture #Resilience
